Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
Vodka is such a love hate relationship.
Truer words have never been spoken.
Not gonna lie i was comfortable between the allsups air conditioners while you were talking to the cop.
My dick was almost in plain McDonald's sight
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He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Oh no. Not her. Her personality clashes with mine in ways that would make me wanna beat myself with a stick.
Right now Tom has the 2nd floor office bathroom under siege. He shit/clogged one toilet, and he's throwing up in the sink.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
That's not as bad as watching a dumb ass drunk peeing into your window fan -
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
DROP EVERYTHING! Gatta go get tested for herpes, lets make an adventure out of it.
If you kill yourself you won't get to feel that feeling when you have a good shit in the morning. Arent you gonna miss that?
They forgot my ranch. They're dead to me.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
Grandma cant send me 4 lbs of gummi bears and expect me not to soak them in some sort of alcohol
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