I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.
I wish i could sleep and get drunk at the same time...those are my 2 biggest needs right now
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
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Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
just asked if they'd gift wrap go-go taquitos for you at 7-eleven
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
Making a me burrito to ward off the cold...and the aloneness of my vagina
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He just whispered "doors are weird" and then laughed so hard he fell down the stairs.
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
I'm good. But Nutella doesn't taste as good as it used to.
She is either doing really drawn out crunches or trying to sniff her boobs...She's lying on her back with her hand behind her head, forcing her head into the cleavage that's ok to expose and then moves her head back and then does it again.
I don't care. It's wine Wednesday get your gameface on.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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