We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Found my phone laying in a snow angel outside my apt this morning.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Why would I send you a picture of it when I could just steal the gnome and put it in your bed with you? Admit it, he looks just like gnomeo!
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
I fell off my bed and busted open my chin on the prisoner of azkaban. Somehow missed the almost empty Jose handle next to it. So guess what I was doing last night?
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Dude, he wouldn't have sex with me during halftime cause we were rooting for different teams and that would be "bad juju", I had to settle for 69.
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
The only good thing about being back at work is supply room boom boom with my office husband
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