hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
words of advice: black light parties reveal cum stained clothing.
He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
It's becoming clear to me that I am not sugar baby material. I don't think I could handle old balls long term.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Also. Picked being late to work over the maid finding my vibrator. Life choices....
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
