The child next door sounds like he's having vigorous sex in the backyard and it's making me very, very uncomfortable. I don't want to look.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
Dude this weed smells so good they should make it into a Vicks vapor rub scent and I would rub it all over myself.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
I just poured two shots of fireball into my Rapunzel mug I love finals.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
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