The night began with "let go home early so we can study for my 9am final" and ended with "show me your boobs for a free pack of gum".My breasts are worth 14 sticks for a dollar.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
no, i will not be your spotter when you masturbate with a noose around your neck
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
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The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
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Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
Ran into his sister at the gym and hit it in the parking lot. I dont even feel like a bad friend she got a boob job and lost 20 lbs its not even the same sister
My tights ended up on the driveway folded neatly. Any ideas how that happened?
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
We need to step in, this can't continue. The guy she went home with last night looked exactly like Count Olaf, right down to the unibrow.
Which version tho, Jim Carrey or Neil Patrick Harris?
THAT DOESN'T FUCKING MATTER, YOU DON'T FUCK COUNT OLAF!!!
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