$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
Swine flu is the new snow day.
Just used my last prints at the library for brackets instead of final reviews. Hello March.
We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?
By a pack of ravenous dildos
Also, I guess I made friends with the guy who caught me peeing behind a bush.
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
We still on for Manwhore Monday?
Randomize
