I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
If you've never yelled, "fuck you ray Lewis" in front of your 87 year old grandfather you haven't lived
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
Speaking of church, everyone showed up to lunch in the dining hall in their Sunday best and I walk in looking homeless bc I just got out of bed. I hate this school.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
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