dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
do you think they make "congratulations unfit mother" greeting cards?
or abortion recommendation cards.
My phone now changes "me" to "mrrrrrrrrh", thank you new years.
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
I thought my ass was sore from the gym then I realized it was from being spanked. Confusing time in my life.
So that 100 days of sobriety thing I told you about last week? Lasted all of 4 days. Fuck it, life's too short
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
This is what happens when you leave: I get all vulnerable and I make out with the cowboy to shut him up about Jesus.
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm sorry for peeing on you last night. Will cookies make up for it?
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
