three words: i give head
three words: not that well
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...
I don't know what was up he just kept sitting in his chair smoking weed and watching home movies all night it was weird as fuck.
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
can we for just one second remember that I played with a homeless man's rat at st marks?
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
I have an aggressive hickey on my shoulder and it actually hurts.
I came so hard I went blind for a few seconds.
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
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