Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
So we were sitting in his back seat and he asked me if I practiced giving head. I mean really, who asks that?
bitch so ugly she owes me an erection
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
You chugged 6 beers in a row and then outed your boss at a party last night.
I was high last night eating a fudge bar and making eggs with toast and corned beef hash for a 2 am snack and my dad asked what I was and the only reply I could think of was "I'm an adult."
So one possible side effect of women taking Viagra is that my tongue feels swollen. You having any?
Lift me 50ft in the air like a tow truck but with your penis
How high are you exactly
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
Alcohol. Making me feel good about myself since 2008
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