I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
apparently i traded the tiffany necklace my mom bought me for 2 shots and next in line for beer pong at the frat.
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
You went streaking and came back with your shirt inside out. Then said "it happens in the line of duty" and passed out.
I guess I'm just gonna have to learn to live with the fact that I'm the guy who takes his pants off at the party and tries to start an orgy
We had sex on roll out bean bag chair, and then proceeded to sleep with a blanket with dolphins on it. Happy birthday to me.
I'm trying to puke quietly so i don't ruin my grandma's birthday/my graduation brunch. And you say i need to grow up.
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
