I gave up sex with dolphins for you.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
This is why I shouldn't be left alone with liquor and anticipation.
there's a girl in the library on mysapce. she must have missed the memo.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Ive only seen a dude masterbate on a train twice, once on the Jtrain and once on the Ftrain... trust me you never wanna see where the subway turns around.
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
As we're eating sushi she goes I just want to get a disease so my mom can take care of me... Great first date
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
Where is the baby squirrel I found last night?! I've looked all morning I can't find Morris anywhere did someone take him?? ðŸ˜ðŸ˜
Honey, I kept trying to tell you it was just a pine cone.
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