Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born
i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Housekeeping just called to see if we were okay bc they came in the room earlier and we didn't move.
I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
To tired for the bar. Came home and drank wine out of the bottle. Kind of don't want to know what that says about my life.
SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
That freshman guy that keeps trying to hook up with me just saved someone's life ... Should I reconsider?
They flooded the bathroom and their version of cleaning it up was to throw our couch cushions on it. That's when I decided to chug tequila and go drunk bowling. So hitting the kid with my ball is really their fault.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
uh why is my bathtub filled with kool aid? or is that blood?
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