tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
It is virtually impossible to listen to single ladies and perform any seated task.
Ketchup is God's man juice
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.
I was so high that i was talking shit about a girl I was with via text, and I handed the phone to her so she could type the shit I was trying to say.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
Time flies when you're blacked out in a lake
i always handshake my one night stand, im classy like that.
God is tempting me with everything tonight. Brownies and dick, mostly.
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Randomize
