His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"
He did it well too
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.
This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.
i don't know how the hand towel got involved, but i peed all over it
Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever
I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.
I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
There was already gay porn open on my laptop with a tiny carrot cake, a bottle of water, and a note saying "I love you, Sober Me."
Drunk me just hits it and quits it.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
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