you kept screaming i cant feel my vagina, it kinda killed the mood.
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
This year I'm going to try NOT getting arrested. I think the 30th birthday is the cutoff for calling Mom to bail me out.
I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.
Quick question. What's the protocol on going back to a bar after going home with one of their bartenders?
Go back and try to find another to go home with.
There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are
His 21st birthday is in the middle of shark week, it's meant to be.
You know being hammered seven days in a row can do serious damage to your liver.
Text me on Monday and make sure I'm still alive
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
the guy next to you kind of looks like a penguin. i'm going to fuck him
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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