So after THIS dui, I've decided to stop driving. Not drinking, just quit driving.
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
He was crying to my sister about feeling like a bad person. Then he groped my breasts.
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
By NOT going to the gym, I'm helping my future. I don't want stripping, prostitution, or porn to be viable money making options.
My life is a random series of events connected only by bottles of Seagram's 7
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
I'm at the drive thru window, five minutes out. If the bathtub is empty or you're dressed when I arrive I'm not sharing.
Randomize
