remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
I was drunk petting a fox and taking shots of Jager. That's about as outdoorsy as it gets.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Her one night stand followed us to mass. This is too funny for real life.
Someone's vagina was extra sandy cause the left side of my bed feels like the beach.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Oh my god I found my bf's erotica
OH MY GOD HE WROTE THIS EROTICA.
OH MY GOD THIS IS GOOD EROTICA.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I think she lost me at about the point where the words “Ice Cream Enema” were spoken.
Randomize
