The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
Im watching someone hooking up in the library
procrastination at its finest
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee
I love our strategizing... I wish we used the same passion for planning our lives and future that we use for planning our drunken escapades... We would both be doctors by now, I swear
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
bad night - i tried for naughty librarian but could only manage to pull off pissed off barrista.
Apparently I'm ahead in the foot race to his dick because I'm not insane. If I'd have known that's all it took, I'd have worn sweat pants more often.
Oh I was gonna ask you the same thing...? It's official ask anyone to see your husbands dick day.
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
The other day I was really high and I felt like my words were coming out of my mouth in flowers...I don't know.
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
yeah, I woke up with nacho cheese crusted all over my face and head...a lone jalapeno still stuck in my ear...you win this round drunk nachos....
Randomize
