So i'm in mason getting an ultrasound.. and there are a bunch of hicks in here with their wild ass children and this one young mom yells at her kid "harley sit!"
You should introduce yourself as garth. As in garth brooks.
I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
pretty sure that drunk girl we saw climbing the stairs is now DJing this club....
Sorry I kept grabbing your vagina at the casino. I believed it was my lucky unicorn to win bonuses
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
My uterus feels like it went 8 rounds with Mike Tyson. And that was only a quickie.
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
Did you mean to say flashlight? Or did your grandpa really give you a fleshlight for your bday?
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Randomize
