i'm forgoing the post-coitus cuddling sesh to ask u this :when he says he loves me and all i can think to say is either "cool" or "i love boning you," what do i do?
i wish there was an iPhone app that lets you write a TeXt LiKe tHiS
dude...come out of the closet already
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Well at least he is okay. If you call the fetal position in my living room floor "okay"...
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.
1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me
You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
We stopped mid-sex and both shotgunned a beer then got back to it. Is this what love feels like?
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
Thanks for making me a drunk burrito last night and cutting it into bite size pieces, I always knew you were a keeper.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
In order to get rid of my bladder infections I must give up caffeine, nicotine and tight pants. It's like my pussy is an angry dictator or something
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