Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"
I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
I just woke up to a ten minute voicemail of you sobbing about the X-Men. Stop getting drunk and watching Marvel movies.
BUT WOLVERINE IS SO TORMENTED AND JUST WANTS TO BE LOVED
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I have an important idea to tell you when I'm sober about a cat scratching my nose once and what it taught me. DONT LET ME FORGET.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Randomize
