Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'
Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..
Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?
i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina
I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.
I didn't talk to any girls wearing masks because I wanted to avoid making the big mistake of making out with my sister.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
And if it ever comes down to tax or healthcare benefits we can get married
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I don't need you anyway! I have puppies and booze!
I'm honestly considering asking her if I can eat her out, as a friend.
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
And why in he fuck did I get 'dick' in Romanian tattooed on my forearm
Randomize
