I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans
about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?
yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
If you are wondering why there is half eaten pizza in your pocket it's because you were passed out with it in your hand in my bathtub. Today's your b-day and thought I'd give you a good idea about what happened last night as a present
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick
Well, no one has ever described you as a perfectly balanced individual
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
It's okay I didn't send any nudes tonight so we are safe *inserts photo of a baseball umpire doing the safe signal*
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
Does it look too obvious if I buy wine and candles!?! In my defense there is a gigantic snow storm coming.
Randomize
