I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
is it bad if I use the term bowl as a measurement of time, as in how long it takes to smoke a bowl?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!
Moral of the story: don't have drunken shower sex with the lights off...or you WILL break your foot. And the shower knobs.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
Also I stopped in the middle of the road and put my hazards on because BUNNIES WERE PLAYING
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We just broke my bed mid-sex, laughed, then continued. If that isn't true love I don't know what is.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I invited him to my hotel room via snapchat. I'm one hell of a classy bitch
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
Drunk is a universal language darling
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