she was mega hot - except for the poop under her fingernails
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
i was playing the convince him im sober game through texting. i spelled most of the words right. i hope.
There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.
Lets go see if some hobos will give us a prostate massage for a 40 ounce.
I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
I'm gonna keep a minimum of five drink promise to myself
You mean maximum 5?
So his roommate walked in on us, went upstairs to tell her bf she has found a new use for the rafters & they must try it.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
last night I used snow as a chaser
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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