Breakfast of vicodin and eggs out of a solo cup at about three in the afternoon on a wednesday...I have my life together
im starting to measure my showers by the number of beers i drink while im in there.
don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts
can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
BTW, Julia referred to you as a power bottom. Are you available?
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
My mom just used the chap stick I used right after giving him a blow job. I am a horrible daughter :(
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