mmm whisky
reminds me of losing my job
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
somehow I got talked into dressing up like a hot dog, spinning around ten times, and shooting lay ups in front of thousands of students
Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
How bad is it I'm looking at his cock while waiting to see my therapist?
where are my pants?
in the oven.
You know how last week before we left I was drinking outta that blue cup and I left it sitting across the road. Well, it hadn't moved and my family just found it, brought it inside and cleaned it. I think this cup is my soulmate.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
