i woke up with my moms heels on underneath your couch cushions
you want 1 or 2 eggos?
careful of the bathroom.... theres some drunken ninja turtles in there....
I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
I give you full permission to fuck a rando on my air mattress.
It's really not cool dreaming about going into labor with your ex boyfriends love child as you're sleeping next to him.
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
It might be whiskey, but I view Marge and Homer Simpson as something to strive for
It says something about our relationship that he stole your phone to tell me about his dick at 3am and neither of us realized that wasn't you until just now
The single life is the freaking dream dude. I'm sitting here naked, eating chocolate mousse, and watching Gilmore girls. It's wonderful
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
