i just watched a video of two girls fucking with a banana and i thought of you.
i hate you
finding my wedding ring encrusted in vomit this morning really just topped off last night...
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I ripped my favorite jeans crossing that fence
That sucks
It's an upgrade! I didn;t even have to unzip my pants to pee!
Our first order of business as new roommates was to test the sex acoustics of our rooms. I need a new box spring.
I had to reschedule my trainer meeting so now I'm just here eating hot pockets
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
MY MOM WALKED IN WHILE I WAS EATING THEM OUT AND STARTED ASKING US ABOUT THE PROJECT RUNWAY EPISODE WE WERE WATCHING EARLIER
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Randomize
