just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
My face smells like vagina and Im on my way to court. Fuck.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
Just found out that my name comes from part of my mom's old stripper name.
I legit feel like I had sex with Joey Fatone. Is that weird?
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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