you know you are hungover when... you set your alarm for the next time you think you are going to throw up
We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?
You're upset about this?
i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.
This is the kind of period I feel I should name out of respect to the fact I might have just gotten lucky this time.....
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Are we still banned from the library?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
He stopped the gas pump at 69 and gave me my receipt. He wants it.
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