The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'
No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.
If I don't have hickies that last till tuesday, I didn't do this weekend right
His last Google search was "will sperm ruin the retina display on Apple products?"
I'm running on two hours of sleep, a shot of vodka, and half of a granola bar. I can't be held responsible for what I do.
He sent me a text from across the party that said "your sexy." I just couldn't.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
So instead of going to meet her mom, I decided to jump out of her window which was about 1.5 stories off the ground. I'm alright, but I ended up meeting her mom anyway.
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
Per my usual Thursday, I blacked out and slept on the stairs.
Randomize
