I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
Randomize
