im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I think the neighbors upstairs are trying for more kids. I want to run up there and yell "mazal tov!"
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
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today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
Brilliant thought; pill pong.
What could go wrong?
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Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
I've never wanted to punch a 94 year old woman in the vagina, and then call her next of kin to tell them I just muff punched their Gam Gam until today.
About to throw up, bathroom line up, Bro sees me. Yells, 'PUKER GET OUT OF WAY' THEY ALL PARTED WAY THREW ME INTO A STALL AND CHEERED AS I THREW UP INTO THE TOILET. we are going back
we could do so many fantastic illegal things together. sexually and otherwise.
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
Chick in the kitchen making breakfast.. Yours or mine?
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