I think I just saw someone hide a body.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
I am the Bobby Fisher of drunk asss puking
Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.
There's a skateboard on the patio and all the chips are gone. The note on the fridge says 'don't buy cheese'. Stop letting her go outside.
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Before he gave me the breathelizer, he told me to "blow like you're blowing your boyfriend". I like him. My tax dollars are well spent
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
Clearly the Stanley Cup Finals good luck hand job IS necessary. You let the whole team down.
Randomize
