I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
Where was your thought process?
Drowning in my hangover.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I definitely made out with a high school student last night while his sister and my brother were in the same room. I think we're all traumatized by the situation.
Just promise me you wont die... or hook up with an old asian lady playing slots
Cant promise that last part. I won't die though
I reek of latex and grilled onions.
Mission accomplished.
Its official, if she bites your dick through your jeans, ya'll go together. A lesson you shouldn't have to learn after the fact.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
I'm trying to find a place to hide weed in my mother in law's house...
Married life problems?
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
Randomize
