Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
There's a walmart bag of my vomit outside my front door. I just really need someone to appreciate that with me.
There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.
This might sound awkward, but can I borrow a dildo for class?
So i realized that if i bought everything from my google search history for the past week i would have a dolphin, a wolf costume, a unicorn costume, a katana and a bullet proof vest. Not sure how the dolphin would fit in but the rest of it would end up in one awesome night or someone would die. Either way i say we do it.
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I just creeped on air mattress guy's facebook and discovered his ex is the trifecta of evil: tiny, cute, and blonde.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Come get me...at gazebo by side entrance....im passed out in a bush...this is a Bar A bouncer texting for your buddy
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
We could just stay sober.
No! We tried that once.
It sucked.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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