I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
im going to hold it over his head for all of eternity. when his children are born i am going to go to the hospital as his wife is giving birth and shove the picture in the childs face, so the first time they see their father is in a drunken stupor looking like a jackass.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
so in other words, they broke and fell off and I ate a gummy life saver off of his balls
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
She's so high she just screamed into the pile of takeout boxes "which one of you gave me diarrhea"
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
I'm sorry I couldn't bail you out, apparenty they dont take credit cards over the phone. Did you at least make any friends in jail?
I'm still here... I feel so bad wearing your mom's cardigan at a strip club 🙈
then he said the sex was mediocre and that it was because of me. and that we could try again tomorrow.
it was 100% mediocre because of him, and we will 100% not be trying again tomorrow.
Randomize
