Does this mean you'll turn into an Albanian at the next full moon?
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just found your spare underwear and the half eaten granola bar you left in my purse.
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I miss eating meals at a table and having unprotected sex..
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
My mom just told me my dad shaves his pubes while drunk and I don't know how to feel anymore.
If by date you mean washing Pizza house down with a bottle of wine, then yes I have a date.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
so I was eating out this girl who was wearing my pirate hat In an alley behind the bar last night and some girl walks up and takes a picture. apparently we had a crowd of about 10 and it turned her on so she just didn't tell me
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
I CLEANED MY BATHROOM FOR YOU!! betrayal
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
FUCK YOU IM DRINKING WINE FROM A BOX
You okay there or need a ride? Maybe a straw for your box
Maybe a straw...
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
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