Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love
I just recorded courtney puking and set it as my ringtone.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners
trying to figure out why the only thing in our freezer is an expired loaf of bread, a white t shirt, and a receipt from taco bell for 37.50 from last Friday
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
Nothing like snapchatring dick pics to a\nMarried woman while your girlfriend destroys Taco Bell in the next room. Almost caught, worth it. Got boobs back
I think if you have sex on the couch it will psychologically damage it.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
Randomize
