Crap im kindd 0f drunkk we just hooked up in a mcdonalds parking lot but i dont know why how we are here
I'm at work and it's 1:30. I need a beer. is that bad?
Welcome to every minute of my life.
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
bro, your right, i shouldn't feel embarrassed about taking shots from a penis-shaped ice sculpture
...I think i just fell in love with a random undergrad at first glance. He was the awkward young adult version of captain hook. Dear god i need to get off this campus.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Randomize
