Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
I just got a msg from someone saved in my phone as "gouiys stAndingg nezxt me not oz". Omh my life.
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
'TWAS BUT A GLORIOUS SIGHT. BITCHES.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
I'll call you on my way home
Oh my god I'm going to die between now and then... can you at least tell me if y'all hooked up???
Everytime I come home this stoned I masturbate in the shower for that long, its like my lonely ritual. Accept me.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
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