I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.
new low: my hungover self just mistook bacon grease for mashed potatoes. worst. mistake. ever.
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
you think she would figure it out that ever dude that fucks her is just doing it bc they are in a contest to bang the fattest girl
I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.
Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
Vodka drinking games. Where you wake up next to a douche lord and see your thong in the blinds.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her
Thanks for coming out I think haley is drunk enough for breast milk White Russians
As your boyfriend, I'm gonna congratulate you on winning that fist fight. But as a cop, I have to tell you to not do that again.
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
This whole thing is fucking bullshit. I should be wasting all my hard-earned money at Planet Con this weekend but NOOOOOOOOO. Now I'll never get Roy Thomas to sign my comic
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