someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
So it turns out there are pros and cons to having a broken wrist. Pro: I can give amazing blowjobs with my left hand. Con: I just had to open a packet of crisps with scissors.
We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."
Sweet. Well pat yourself on the back this penis just burst back into the the game and the vaginas of millions
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
In my defense, there are at least three ways to die doing that, and I'm still here. America, Fuck Yeah!
I'm just drunk enough to be eating egg rolls on the toilet
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
The best part of last night is not remembering half of it
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
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