it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"
you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.
Tried to bribe the bartender with wedding cake. Felt bad for not giving her a tip.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
If you die first, I'm going to sleep with a pallbearer at your funeral.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
He was so high he started playing Twister on the striped rug. Then when we missed midnight he went on a screaming rampage about his New Year's Eve being meaningless. How do you think it went?
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
