How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
You were in the bathroom for two hours practicing "Revenge Faces".
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
If I get laid tonight it will 1.) Prove that the sex gods do in fact exist, and 2.) Show that I am one motherfucking badass bitch.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Randomize
