Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now
Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway
I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.
The woman in front of me has a completely clear purse. I can see everything. It's ballsy because her vagisil is on display.
I wish the ER had shaved that part of my head. It would be easier to show people my staples at the bar.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
Just to circumvent as much mood-killing as possible, you are allowed a small amount of laughter at my pubic hair. Too much and I revoke your vagina privileges until you can get your shit together.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
I couldn't finish the episode and had to lay down because the snapple commercial with the mustache was blowing my mind
i'm gonna friendzone myself so you dont have to
Is that your mom climbing in your window dude
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Last night was a sign that I need to stop sleeping with any girl that can quote the mighty ducks
Specially the ones that look like Goldberg
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
Randomize
