Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
Your penis has nothing to do with my throat infection, sorry...
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
You better keep a close eye on your uterus tonight cause I am looking good.
We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.
do you think the dildo I'm bringing through airport security is considered a weapon?
He usually doesnt care about me cumming but last night he really tried, I feel that him going to the Womens March benefitted my sex life
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
The thing I'm gonna miss about him is his dick.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I love you man I just want to hold you and fuck you until you only know my name
I don't know who you are but HOW THE FUCK DID YOU GET MY NUMBER
Randomize
