so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina
i got awkward and finally asked him what he said
he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
two words: eviction party
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.
Overall win. We all know who got to sleep on the concrete outside of Denny's with you.
And I was chasing apple pie moonshine (provided by cops) with bud light limeys. In a golf cart, wearing a tiara.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
So my quick shower turned into a "lay in the shower and let the hot water reign over you because you are too hungover to wash your hair" shower. I'll be there closer to 1:30!
I'm running on 2 hours of sleep. Just spent 6 minutes staring at the back of my hand thinking: "I don't really know this that well"
You held an empty wine bottle to your head and declared yourself the "wine unicorn." For the rest of the night you galloped everywhere and whenever anyone refused to be a wine unicorn with you, you tried to spear them with the bottle.
he put a condom on for a handjob WTF
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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