Do u kno any dealers?
I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
We decided to play beer pong where the loser had to beer bong a pitcher of beer...people just started losing on purpose. It was a bad idea.
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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