Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
when the lights went off, all i could see was the glowing of the camera light in the closet... i got the fuck out of there so fast.
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
I was about to smoke a bunch of weed and lay naked while I cried all day
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
I turned around and there were three 10 year old kids running around with sparklers. Weirdest college part ever.
Welcome to Philly.
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
Hey beautiful no judgement but why is there a bucket of KFC chicken in the bathtub??
I've been sober for almost two weeks and it's been the worst two weeks ever. Even my mom told me I need to start drinking again.
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
Is it still sex if there's no nudity, no orgasms, but the neighbors bang on the wall and ask you to stop? I've honestly forgotten.
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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