Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
how the hell did u puke all over the magazines... do u still want me to keep them
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
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If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I dunno if you guys are having weird sex or a most accurate bird sound contest but either way stop doin it
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
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