hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
You saying I have a drinkingg problem is like saying Superman has a flying problem.
You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
My summer fucks are coming back to haunt me with a vengeance.
He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
I told her that I was going up to my room to lay in front of a fan without pants on, watching Avengers and she still wanted to get with me. I have to marry her.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
i feel sensations at the ends of my beard. Either I am super high. Or my face has accepted my beard and I completed my transformation to Mecca
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
Randomize
